HIT IT TIGWIT
by Alex Hollister
Summary: Tigwit (alias Feren) grows tired of his job as Thranduil's gatekeeper and decides to pursue a career in music, but his many money-making schemes seldom go as planned.
1. Tigwit's Got Talent: Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Figwit is the nickname of Lindir, Lord Elrond's steward/minstrel in Rivendell, given him by a group of Interested Parties during the Fellowship of the Ring movie when he appears at the Council of Elrond. It stands for Frodo is Great! - Who is THAT? Which is, presumably, what the Interested Parties cried when he came on screen. Many years later, during The Desolation of Smaug movie, another group of similarly Interested Parties saw a fair elf appear with a horn in his hand, ready to save the day. This occurs while the dwarves are escaping in barrels, when Legolas Greenleaf has discovered their disappearance and orders the gate to be shut. Feren's cameo appearances throughout The Desolation of Smaug and The Battle of the Five Armies earned him the name Tigwit, which stands for Thorin/Thranduil/Tauriel is Great! – Who is THAT? Since he is to Thranduil what Lindir is to Elrond, Feren is presumed to be Figwit's cousin._

_One of Legolas' lines to him in DOS is translated "Shut the gate!" on screen, as he orders Feren to blow his horn; however, experts agree that the elvish literally means, "Hit it, Tigwit!"_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 1: Tigwit's Got Talent<strong>

**Chapter 1**

Thranduil Elvenking was meditating on his throne amidst his antlers and branches when he heard soft elven footsteps entering his sanctum sanctorum. He turned his head slightly and, catching a glimpse of his son in a mirror across the room, decided to be impressive and pretend he had eyes in the back of his head.

"Tauriel told me you were upset about something," he said.

Legolas stepped into the room.

"Dad," he said. "You _have _to stop Feren."

"What is he doing this time?" queried Thranduil. Thranduil was too cool and awesome to "ask". He always queried – or at least he liked to think so.

"He's holding auditions," said Leggy, his eyes wide to emphasize his point. He began to pace the floor, running laps back and forth across the throne room. "He's holding auditions in the main hall. He's been holding them since this morning and all of us are sick of it."

"Auditions for what?" queried Thranduil again.

"Some sort of talent show or something," said Legolas. "But worse than that, his cousin Lindir is here."

"Lindir? Lord Elrond's steward?"

"Yes," said Legolas. "And he's plucking his harp like there's no tomorrow. Make Feren stop. And make him get rid of Lindir."

Thranduil rose majestically from his throne.

"I have an idea," he said. "You remember how Elrond cheated me out of my favourite necklace at Galadriel's fund-raising casino night?"

"The one you got from Erebor?" asked Legolas. "I thought he won that in a poker match."

"He cheated," said Thranduil. "You know I am the best player in Middle-Earth. I have an even better poker-face than that half-wit Celeborn. I need my jewels back. And I think I know how to get them. Let us go down and see what Feren is up to."

* * *

><p>Feren was Thranduil Elvenking's chief gatekeeper and messenger in the Woodland Realm, but he was an elf of many interests, and his greatest interest in the world was music. Primarily because it was the fastest-growing industry in Middle-Earth, and Feren, always an entrepreneur, wanted to get in before anyone else could capitalize on it. This was why he was holding auditions for his new show <em>Elves Got Talent<em> in the halls of the Woodland Realm. Originally it was supposed to be _Mirkwood's Got Talent_, but when Haldir and Lindir had texted him excitedly and asked for slots he had to change the name. Galion had scoffed, saying that the title was terrible Elvish, but Feren was a freethinker and thought it was catchy. He had begun auditions early that morning with a cheery countenance, the glint of gold already gleaming in his eyes at the thought of what people would pay to see this show.

Now he was discouraged. Elf after elf had auditioned with their violins, cellos, flutes, oboes, drums, and, when it came to Lindir, harps, but all of them had been disappointing.

"Any elf can do that," whispered Feren to Tauriel, who had volunteered as his co-judge, while Haldir was playing a plinkly tune on the piano.

"I think it's lovely," said Tauriel.

"You have no taste," said Feren. "Nobody's going to pay for this." He hit the buzzer, and Haldir stopped playing, disappointedly.

"But Feren," he said.

"It's not personal," said Feren. "See, Lindir didn't make it either."

"And he's crying in the corner," said Haldir. "You haven't picked anybody all day."

"Next," said Feren, looking around. There was nobody left.

"They all gave up," said Tauriel.

"We must broaden our recruitment pool," said Feren. "Send out a Facebook invitation to everyone in Rivendell and Lothlorien."

Just then Thranduil Elvenking came sweeping into the room.

"Feren," he said.

Feren rose. "Your Excellency," he said, with a graceful bow. "Did you come to audition for the show?"

"I did not," said Thranduil. "I came to ask – er, query why you have brought foreign elves into my realm without my permission."

He looked at Haldir and Lindir. Haldir was stomping around, but Lindir was just a dejected heap in a chair.

Feren's jaw dropped. "Uh," he said. "Haldir is Legolas's best friend. Right, Leggy?"

Legolas was hiding behind his father. "Well, yeah," he said. "But Lindir isn't."

Lindir looked up, then buried his face in his hands again.

"Lindir is my cousin," said Feren.

"He is Lord Elrond's steward," said Thranduil, "and is no doubt here to steal more of my jewels."

"No!" chirped Lindir.

"No!" echoed Feren. "He's here to audition."

"And did he make the show?" asked Thranduil.

"No," said Feren, flushing.

"So it was a front," said Thranduil. "Lock him up, Elros."

"No!" cried Feren, but Elros and Galion had already seized Lindir and dragged him away to the dungeon.

"Feren," said Thranduil. "I need you to take a message to Imladris to my lord Elrond. Tell him that his steward will be held here until he returns the jewels that he took from me."

Thranduil swirled his cloak and exited the room.

Feren had collapsed in a chair. "Leggy," he cried. "What's the matter with your dad?"

"Do not speak against my father," said Legolas. "He is Thranduil, son of Oropher, and you owe him your allegiance."

"Yes, " said Feren. "But Elrond isn't going to give those jewels back just for Lindir."

"Too bad," said Legolas, turning on his heel. Sometimes, thought Feren, he looked so much like his dad.

"You'd better leave soon," said Legolas, calling over his shoulder.

"Grrrrrr," said Feren.


	2. Tigwit's Got Talent: Chapter 2

**Part One: Tigwit's Got Talent**

**Chapter 2**

Feren wasn't about to give in to what he knew was a sly plot of Legolas' without a fight. That was why he slipped down into the dungeons as soon as the keeper of the keys was out of the way and handed Lindir his harp through the bars.

"Psst," he whispered, to muffle Lindir's exclamations of delight. "Play it all you want. And sorry about Thranduil. He can be like that sometimes. I'll get you out of here soon."

"Hurry up," said Lindir. "Legolas might do something."

"Er, I'll tell Tauriel to keep an eye on him," said Feren. "I, meanwhile, have to go to Rivendell and tell Elrond to give Thranduil's emeralds back."

Lindir's eyes widened. "He will never do that!"

"I'll make him," said Feren.

"Don't go!" stuttered Lindir. "Legolas might do something!"

"I must find a way to release you without risking Thranduil's wrath," said Feren. "I'll be back soon, jewels in hand!"

Lindir still looked dejected.

"You really are good on that harp," said Feren. "Practice lots while I'm away."

Lindir brightened, and Feren grinned. Legolas would suffer for his felony. Feren went off to find Haldir.

"Haldir!" he cried. "Get your horse. We ride to Rivendell."

"What?" asked Haldir. "But I want to drink with my best friend."

"I need your help to secure Lindir's release," said Feren.

"And why should I help you, Feren Eminemion?"

"A just question, friend," said Legolas, appearing out of nowhere.

"Sit down, Legolas," said Feren.

Legolas made a point of never doing what Feren said, no matter what it was, even if he wanted to do it. It was something which made his father very angry at times, for Feren was chief messenger and whenever he was sent out after Legolas to bring him back to Mirkwood, Legolas invariably said no.

"Give me but thine ear a moment, my lord Haldir," said Feren. No elf, especially not a Lothlorien elf, can withstand pretty speech.

"What?" asked Haldir.

"If you help me," said Feren. "I might be able to clear a spot for you in my show."

"Really?" asked Haldir. "Really? Promise?"

"I promise," said Feren. "Are you coming?"

"Yes!" cried Haldir.

"Get your horse," said Feren.

* * *

><p>They met Gildor at the gates of Rivendell.<p>

"Welcome to Rivendell, Haldir," he said. "And Feren. We thought from a distance you were Lindir."

"Alas, I am not," said Feren.

"What's alas about that?" asked Gildor. "Come on in, they're going to start singing soon."

"Great," said Haldir, rolling his eyes. He far more appreciated the Mirkwood form of entertainment – namely, drinking all night long – to that of Rivendell, where all they did was sing, but Feren was delighted. He got out his mini recorder with anticipation.

"Let the try-outs begin," he said.

Haldir's jaw dropped. "So this is the true reason you came to Rivendell," he said. "More auditions? Because I wasn't good enough."

"Cheer up," said Feren. "You can tell them all that you were the first person I booked."

Haldir cheered up considerably. This was true. He ran off to tell Glorfindel.

"Be sure to tell them that nobody else in Mirkwood made the cut," Feren called after him.

"Oh, I will," said Haldir, happily.

Feren went off to listen to the minstrels.

* * *

><p>Six hours and twenty-three minutes later, as Glorfindel was finishing a long ballad, Feren sank into his chair and sighed. Once more he was disappointed. What had happened to true art in this world? Middle-Earth was going to ruin. All these elves were tolerable, but when it came to outstanding talent, all he saw was a desert as empty as the dark lands of Mordor. Where was he going to find anyone good enough to be in his show, if not in Rivendell? Well, he always had a back-up plan.<p>

But now was the moment to speak to Lord Elrond, while he was happy and snoozy after six and a half hours of song. Feren sidled across the room to where Lord Elrond sat speaking with Elrohir.

"My lord Elrond," he said, with a little cough.

"Oh, Feren," said Elrond. "How are you? How are Thranduil Elvenking and Legolas Greenleaf? And where is my steward Lindir?"

"About that," said Feren. "My liege Thranduil Elvenking locked him up."

"What for?" asked Elrond, unsurprised. "Annoying Legolas?"

"Er, yes and no," said Feren. "The reasons are many but Thranduil feared he was after more jewels."

"More jewels?" asked Elrond. "Thranduil doesn't have any left. Or does he? Elrohir, call Galadriel and tell her we must have another casino night."

"Um," said Feren, "whether he does or not, he declares that my cousin, your steward, the fair and most dutiful Lindir, who has so faithfully served you these many long years, will not be released until you return the emeralds of Girion, which you stole – er, won – in the poker game at Lady Galadriel's last casino night."

"What?" asked Elrond. "I only followed half of that. Are you saying that Thranduil wants the emeralds of Girion back in exchange for Figwit?"

"Yes," said Feren. "Although you know he doesn't like being called that."

"Too bad," said Elrond. "I won those jewels fair and square. They're mine. Thranduil has no right to demand them back."

"But he does," said Feren. "He will not argue. And he will keep Lindir locked up until he holds them in his hand."

"Will he take mithril?" asked Elrond. "I've got lots of that."

"He will take only the emeralds," said Feren.

"But I want them," said Elrond. "Tell him no. He'll get tired of Lindir's harp playing soon and let him go. Now get out of my space. Galadriel's talking to me."

Feren backed off with a grimace.

"How do you stand that she-elf?" he asked Haldir, who was standing by.

"Say nothing against the Lady of Light," said Haldir.

"She's the one who rigs all these casino nights," said Feren. "Admit it, she made Elrond win so that he would take Arwen back."

"I'm not listening," whimpered Haldir.

"Whatever," said Feren. "Now, we must think. For I will have these emeralds yet." He began to rub his hands together as Elladan walked past, arguing with Glorfindel about a loan.

"You have been telling them all about my show," he said. "Haven't you?"

"Oh, yes," said Haldir. "That's probably what Gildor is coming to talk to you about now."

Feren looked over to see Gildor, Galdor, Erestor, Elrohir, and a host of other elves descending upon him en masse.


	3. Tigwit's Got Talent: Chapter 3

**Part 1: Tigwit's Got Talent**

**Chapter 3**

"Now boys," said Feren, raising his voice as the elves came closer. "You can't all be here to beg me for a spot in the show. Just because I let Lindir and Haldir in does _not_ mean that any of you are good enough."

"You let Lindir in?" asked Haldir, in some horror.

"Shut up," whispered Feren.

"But Feren," began Elrohir. "Look here, just give me a chance."

"Me too!" cried Gildor, chiming in. "Host some auditions _here_, Feren."

"I'm so much better than Lindir," said Galdor. "He plays everything in minor!"

"Quiet down," said Feren. "Quiet down. You all don't realize what this is. I can't risk my money on a bunch of elves who might not even be hits. I can't afford it. Haldir and Lindir were the best in the Mirkwood."

"Really?" asked Haldir, reverently, on the verge of tears.

"And," went on Feren, ignoring him, "I'm sure they'll rake in money."

"I have an idea," said Galdor. "A wonderful idea. I'll pay for a spot in your show, and then I'll _prove_ that I'm just as good as Haldir and Lindir."

"Me too!" cried another voice.

"Me too!" said others.

"What about it?" asked Gildor. "Feren, you can't turn that down."

"Well," said Feren, slowly. "This is my career we're talking about. I can't –"

"Feren!" They cried.

"All right, all right," said Feren. "Since I do have faith in all of you, I'll allow it. Go tell your friends that I've let you in, though, and tell them to come see the show."

In delight, they all rushed off. Haldir was standing nearby, watching Feren suspiciously.

"Don't even," said Feren, moving off.

He felt a hand on his arm and turned to find Elladan tagging after him.

"Feren," said Elladan. "What are you charging them?"

"I don't know," said Feren. "A handful of diamonds, half a block of mithril, whatever seems fitting."

Elladan looked downcast. "I haven't got a cent," he said.

"Tough," said Feren, sympathetically.

"But I'm better than Elrohir," said Elladan. "You know that."

"Well," said Feren. "I can let you in, if you do me a favour."

"What?" asked Elladan, eagerly. Feren leaned in and whispered in his ear.

"No," cried Elladan, in a horrified voice.

"Yes," said Feren.

"But I cannot," said Elladan.

"You're an expert at it," said Feren. He clapped him on the shoulder. "And I have faith in you."

He left Elladan standing in the hall.

* * *

><p>He met Legolas on the terrace, and bowed gracefully.<p>

"My lord Legolas," he said, in a surprised voice. "We did not expect you in Rivendell."

"I imagine not," said Legolas. "But some foul soul gave Lindir his harp and I could have no peace in Mirkwood. I came to retrieve father's jewels and get rid of Lindir Figwit."

"He doesn't like being called –"

"Shut up," said Legolas. "Now, what has Lord Elrond said? Is it yay or nay?"

"I have a feeling nay wouldn't stop you," said Feren.

"Not at all," said Legolas. "But which is it?"

"Nay," said Feren.

"Then they must be stolen," said Legolas.

"I suppose so," said Feren, innocently.

"You shall steal them," said Legolas.

"Oh, now," said Feren, defensively. "That's not my job. You're the one who's so good at finding necklaces, you know." He winked.

"I'm not risking Lord Elrond's wrath," said Legolas.

"Come on," said Feren. "I bet you're just scared, that's why you won't do it."

"I'm not scared!"

"You just said you were scared of Elrond."

"That's not what I said."

"Yes it was."

"Fine!" said Legolas. "I'll prove I'm not scared."

Feren grinned as Legolas sprinted off. Things were going exactly as he had planned.

"Come, Haldir," he said, finding his friend again. "We must move quickly."

"Where?"

"We will be leaving for Mirkwood soon," said Feren.

"Why?" asked Haldir.

"To avoid uncomfortable delays," said Feren.

"Without the jewels?" asked Haldir.

"Well, now," shrugged Feren, "how can we argue against Lord Elrond?"

"We could, um, _steal_ them," whispered Haldir.

Feren looked at him in horror.

"Haldir!" he cried.

"Well," said Haldir, hanging his head. "Galadriel did cheat."

"Haldir!" cried Feren once more.

"Never mind," said Haldir. "But how else will we get Lindir out of jail?"

Feren smiled wanly. "We must think of something," he said. He looked up to see Elladan and Elrohir leading a pack of young elves towards him. "But here come the merry elves of Rivendell, to give me their hard-earned cash. For the moment, my dear friend, we must focus on the greater problems in life. Namely, how to get all of this home. Get me my saddle-bags."

"But Feren," said Haldir. "There are a lot more elves here than we saw earlier. You're being cheated. They all want a space in your show."

"Why do you think I told them to tell their friends?" said Feren.

"But they're not talented!" said Haldir. "Look, look, there's Glorfindel. You can't let him in. You can't let half these elves in. They stink."

Feren shook his head somewhat sadly. "What a pity," he said. "You know I am a lover of art, but even I must make these sacrifices sometimes. Really, Haldir, we can't all be purists. And just think," he added, as an afterthought. "You'll be the star of the show."

Haldir looked relieved.


	4. Tigwit's Got Talent: Chapter 4

_Author's Note: Thank you all for reviews. This was mostly a therapeutic story for me but I'm glad you're enjoying it! Do be sure to read the explanation I added to Chapter 1._

* * *

><p><strong>Part One: Tigwit's Got Talent<strong>

**Chapter 4**

"My dear Haldir," said Feren, as they rode out the gates of Rivendell early that afternoon. "You mustn't look so gloomy."

"I'm just sorry for Lindir," said Haldir.

"Good elf," said Feren. "So you should be, for he has been treated most unfairly by Legolas."

"Why are you blaming Legolas?"

"It was due to Legolas' complaining that Thranduil came up with the idea to hold Lindir hostage. Thranduil knows as well as the rest of us that it was Galadriel's, not Elrond's fault."

"Well, I mean, one can hardly blame her," said Haldir. "Even I can't stand Arwen. And she knew she could only get Elrond to take her back if she got him in a really good mood."

"And Thranduil would have cheated anyway," said Feren. "Don't tell anyone I said so."

"What if we broke him out?" asked Haldir.

"Can't risk my career," said Feren. "You're overthinking things, my dear Haldir. Lindir will be fine."

"You," said Haldir, firmly, "are a miserable lout, Feren."

Feren sighed. "My genius is always unappreciated," he said.

"Humph," snorted Haldir. "All you think about is money."

"It's a bad habit of mine," said Feren, looking over his shoulder.

"What are you looking at?" asked Haldir.

"We are being pursued," said Feren. "Hold up."

"Who is it?" asked Haldir.

"Elladan, as I perceive," said Feren, coming to a halt. He waited until Elrond's son came up alongside them. "My dear friend, why are you in such a hurry?"

"Didn't you forget someone?" asked Elladan, laughing so hard he could hardly stay on his horse.

"I never forget anything," said Feren. "Of whom do you speak?"

"Leggy!" cried Elladan. "Didn't you know he tried to steal the emeralds, and dad caught him and locked him up?"

"What a horrible tragedy," said Feren, solemnly. "What a genuinely terrible thing to hear."

"Well," said Elladan, still laughing, "here you are, my payment." He handed Feren a package. "When's the show?"

"Next week," said Feren.

"I'll be there," said Elladan. "Now I must ride back before I am missed."

And he galloped back towards Rivendell.

"Legolas?" asked Haldir. "He's here?"

"Grew tired of Lindir's plucking, so he told me," said Feren.

"And you didn't tell me?"

"Well, I didn't think you needed to get locked up too – as you would be, as his friend. And I would be, as his gatekeeper. That is why I left early. I didn't want to stay and, um, risk Elrond's wrath."

"But Leggy –"

"Ah," sighed Lindir. "I knew that the moment he arrived Elrond would know what he was after. But you know there is no stopping Legolas. He never listens to me when I say don't."

"But we must go back," said Haldir.

"We shall certainly be arrested," said Feren.

"Why? He cannot prove that we had any hand in it."

"Alas," said Feren, "he will have proof beyond doubt. Therefore, I fear that we must leave our dear princeling to his fate."

"What proof?" asked Haldir.

Feren unwrapped the package Elladan had given him and held up a necklace of shining emeralds. Haldir's jaw dropped.

"Elladan –" he began.

"My faith in Elrond's sons is not unfounded," said Feren, happily. "Elladan knows an Opportunity when he sees one."

"Just like you," said Haldir, shaking his head. "Did you plan all of this from the beginning?"

"Do you honestly think all of it came about by chance?" asked Feren. "Really now, my friend. You don't give me enough credit."

"So you knew Lindir would get locked up?"

"It was a likelihood, but a chance I had to take to get to Rivendell on Thranduil's pocket. I'm broke, you know. Or was."

"Now you're richer than I am, thanks to the stuck-up Rivendell elves."

"Ah, now," said Feren. "Lothlorien elves are stuck-up too."

"And you managed to get Legolas out of the way."

"A mere side benefit," said Feren, modestly.

* * *

><p>"Feren," said Thranduil, having called his gatekeeper and messenger to his throne room upon his return. "Haldir tells me that my son has been arrested by Elrond."<p>

"Alas, it is so, my liege," said Feren.

"Just as well," said Thranduil.

"I agree, Your Excellency," said Feren.

"But I need you to go to Lothlorien and stop this casino night that Galadriel is plotting. I simply can't risk more of my jewels, and if I refuse to go she will call all Lothlorien to war."

"My liege," said Feren, with a low bow, "a trip to Lothlorien would be delightful."

"Then go," said Thranduil. As Feren backed out he called after him. "And tell me, what would Elrond take in exchange for Lindir?"

"Your Excellency has grown fond of Lindir's playing, has he not?" asked Feren.

"Did you expect this?" queried Thranduil, suspiciously.

"The possibility crossed my mind. I doubt that Elrond would part with his steward for anything. However, you are welcome to attend my show next week, where Lindir is co-starring with Haldir."

"I shall do that," said Thranduil. "If you stop Galadriel."

"It will be my pleasure," said Feren, stepping out of the room.

He met Haldir outside.

"So you got him to send you to Lothlorien," said Haldir, shaking his head again.

"Of course," said Feren, jingling the coins in his pockets.

"You do get absolutely everything you want," said Haldir. "How do you do it?"

"It's a talent," said Feren.

THE END

of Part One


	5. Tigwit's Fund-Raiser: Chapter 1

**Part Two: Tigwit's Fund-Raiser**

**Chapter 1**

Having made so much money from the elves in Rivendell who wanted to join his show, Feren didn't really need Thranduil to finance his trip to Lothlorien, but Feren never paid for anything unless he had to.

Knowing full well that the audience at his _Elves Got Talent_ show would be limited pretty much to Thranduil and – well, Thranduil – Feren knew that he needed to expand his recruitment pool even further. He must find real talent, and since this was not to be found in Rivendell or Mirkwood, he would go to Lothlorien – not only because singing was a general education requirement there by decree of the Lady of Light, but also because Samwise Gamgee of the shire was visiting Lady Galadriel at the moment (this Feren knew from Haldir) and had brought with him Peregrin Took. Young Took was, according to Lord Denethor of Gondor, the best singer in Middle-Earth, and Feren hoped that with a little persuasion, he could convince him to sign on to his record label – which had not been started yet for lack of funds, but which Feren would soon debut with the money earned from the elves.

So he travelled to Lothlorien, fully cognisant of the fact that somehow he must persuade Lady Galadriel to give up her casino night plans so foully put into her head by Lord Elrond, and save Thranduil from losing more gems to the Lady of Light's biased whims. She didn't like Thranduil, never had. But that was all right because Thranduil didn't like her, either.

Feren talked Lindir into coming with him. It wasn't hard; all he had to do was inform him that Legolas was locked up in Rivendell, and Lindir gladly changed direction. He was through with Legolas.

Well, he always had been. But never mind.

Feren and his cousin set gaily out that very evening, and arrived in Lothlorien at noon the next day.

Lady Galadriel was civil but cold. That was how she always was towards elves from Mirkwood (as far as she was concerned, Lindir was from Mirkwood, too). This was due, Feren knew, to her great fear and abhorrence of spiders. She could not help but associate the elves of the Woodland Realm with "those horrid creatures." But she would never admit this because fear is weakness and Galadriel had none.

Celeborn was friendlier. Feren was friends with Celeborn. He felt him to be a kindred spirit in some ways, and admired his strength of character in not having banished Galadriel long ago.

Feren didn't speak to Galadriel about the casino night at first. He wanted to find Peregrin Took, and besides, he needed to plot a plot.

That wouldn't be difficult, not for him, but he needed a little time.

It was not hard to find Took. He and his friends were down by the river, dancing about and singing a song about a cow jumping over the moon. Feren suspected they had been drinking, but as that was illegal in Lothlorien, he didn't mention it. Besides, he was too delighted. This kind of song was never heard in the halls of the elves. It would be just the thing.

Then he smiled widely. Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins were sitting nearby, listening to their friends sing. Something about the group made Feren's heart leap with delight. Why was he worried about finding solo acts for his talent show when he could be recording…recording…

Boy bands!

The idea was epic. He wanted to dance. Oh the money coming his way!

"What a lovely song, Mr. Took," he said, with a low and graceful bow.

"Hello," said Peregrin Took. "Who is that, Merry?"

"I don't know," said Merry. "Why don't you ask him?"

"Why don't you ask him?" said Pippin.

Feren interrupted. "I am Feren, son of Eminem, steward, gatekeeper, and hornblower for Thranduil Elvenking in Mirkwood and a captain in his army. I am also, at the moment, CEO of Tigwit Records, as well as general hiring manager. And treasurer. And, everything else."

Pippin and Merry looked at each other.

"Aah," said Pippin.

"I heard that you were here," said Feren, "so I came to hear you sing. And now I want to offer all of you –" he glanced at Sam and Frodo "—a contract for my record label."

"What?" said Frodo.

"As a band," said Feren. "A – hobbit band. Like the orcs have. I mean, they don't have hobbit bands. They have little orc bands. Which is kind of the same thing."

Pippin looked at Merry.

"I think that's a wonderful idea, Merry," he said. "They need people of talent on these record labels."

Merry looked thoughtful.

"What do we get?" he asked.

"Oh," said Feren. "Fifty percent of the royalties."

"That's not much," said Merry. "Is it, Frodo?" Frodo was the only hobbit who could do math.

"It depends on how much you sell," said Frodo.

"Which will be a lot," said Feren, with his most winning smile.

"I don't know," said Merry.

"I like the idea," said Pippin.

"All right," said Merry. "What about you, Frodo?"

Frodo looked at Sam. Frodo couldn't sing without Sam. He needed him to stay in key.

"I don't like it, Mr. Frodo," said Sam. "It feels like a trap."

Feren rolled his eyes. "Well," he said. "Think about it. Now, Meriadoc and Peregrin, come with me and we will discuss your debut track list. Better record a single, too, and start distributing it."

Pippin and Merry followed him. He looked over his shoulder at Sam and Frodo under the trees and smiled.


	6. Tigwit's Fund-Raiser: Chapter 2

_Author's Note: To spice things up, I made a reference to another fandom in this chapter. Tell me if you found it._

* * *

><p><strong>Part Two: Tigwit's Fund-Raiser<strong>

**Chapter 2**

Feren had a to-do list. He was reading it when Lindir stumbled in upon him.

"Feren," stammered Lindir.

"What?" asked Feren.

"You know Orophin?"

"Haldir's brother. I know him all too well."

"He's as bad as Legolas."

"Come now," said Feren. "Have you so little faith in your race to believe that anyone in the world could be as bad as Legolas?"

"Well, almost," said Lindir. "He just cheated me out of a necklace."

"What were you doing with a necklace?" asked Feren.

"I'm an elf," said Lindir.

"Oh, that's right," said Feren. "You're from Rivendell."

"You don't wear necklaces in Mirkwood?" asked Lindir.

"Thranduil does," said Feren. "Tell me, how did Orophin cheat you out of this necklace?"

"We were playing cards and he cheated. I saw him."

"Wait," said Feren. "You were foolish enough to play cards with Lady Galadriel's chief casino-manager? Why do you think she picks him to run her fund-raisers? Cheating is his very greatest talent."

Lindir looked downcast.

"Things must now be done differently," said Feren. "I must move 'Incapacitate Orophin' from the bottom of my to-do list to the top."

"What?" asked Lindir.

"Quite right," said Feren. "Now, I need you to do me a favour."

"Ok," said Lindir, who was a push-over.

"Baggins, who has apparently grown tired of being trailed around by Gamgee all the time, is going on a boat ride this afternoon. I need you to tell Gamgee that he's leaving. Don't tell him where, just say he's in a boat on the river."

"Why?" asked Lindir. "Poor Baggins."

"Pish-posh," said Feren. "It's for his own good."

"All right," said Lindir, doubtfully.

"Time it just right," said Feren. "Wait till Baggins is out on the water."

"Ok, ok," said Lindir.

"Now," said Feren. "Tell me, where is Orophin, for I much desire to speak with him."

* * *

><p>"Orophin, my fine fellow!" cried Feren when he found him.<p>

"Oh, it's you," said Orophin. "Coming to get your cousin's necklace back?"

"I'm very impressed by your prowess with cards," said Feren.

Orophin looked snooty.

"There's really only one person I know who's better," went on Feren.

"Who?" asked Orophin, dismissively. "I don't believe you."

Feren took a chair and put up his feet.

"He's an old friend of mine from the mountains. He's amazing at cards, actually. I bet you couldn't beat him."

"Who is this?" asked Orophin. "I bet I could."

Feren smiled magnanimously.

"I bet I could!" said Orophin. "Bring him here. And we'll have a game of it."

Feren shrugged. "You might get in trouble," he said.

"For what?"

"Bringing an orc into Lothlorien."

"What! An orc is better than me? This isn't true. I'll prove it to you. Give me his number. I'm challenging this guy."

"Be it upon your own head," said Feren, rising to leave. "Let me know when he gets here."

"Oh, I will," said Orophin. "I want you to watch."

Feren smiled, and went to check on his hobbit band.

"Hello, Feren," said Pippin. "When do we start recording?"

"As soon as I get my recording artist here," said Feren. "Which will be soon."

Orophin knew the secret paths in Lothlorien as Feren could not, and getting Bolg the orc into the stronghold of the elves was easy for him. Orophin treated him quite contemptuously, but Bolg felt the same towards him and so it was all chummy and cheerful. Feren pulled Bolg aside momentarily.

"Do be aware that you are in danger," he said. "Galadriel doesn't hold by the laws of the Middle-Earth Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination. She might kill you."

Bolg shrugged. "The money's worth it," he said.

"Not if you're dead," said Feren. "And I don't know where to get another sound artist."

"I hope you brought a lot of money, elf," said Bolg to Orophin. "Because I did."

"You're gonna lose," said Orophin.

Bolg rolled his one good eye.

"Let's play!" he said.

Feren excused himself.

"Hey, wait!" cried Orophin, after him. "I want you to see me beat this vermin."

"I'll be back," promised Feren.

He went to find Rumil.

He didn't mind Rumil. Rumil was not as nice as Haldir, but nicer than Orophin.

"My dear friend," he said.

"Hello, Feren," said Rumil. "Haldir was telling me about how you got Legolas locked up in Rivendell."

"Was he?" asked Feren. "Well, I couldn't really avoid it. Where is Haldir now?"

"He went to chase some dwarves. He doesn't deal with dwarves well. He's worse than anyone I know."

"You haven't seen Thranduil," said Feren. "Did Orophin go with him?"

"I doubt it. Haldir is mad at Orophin right now. We're all mad at Orophin right now. He's been cheating like crazy. Someone needs to take him down a peg or two. But instead, Galadriel puts him in charge of her fund-raiser."

"Jealous?" asked Feren.

"No," said Rumil. "I just want what's best for him. He's my brother."

"Well," said Feren. "I'm pretty sure he's going to get taken down a peg or two this afternoon."

"Why?" asked Rumil, brightly.

"Because he made the mistake of challenging an orc."

"O.O!" said Rumil. "What a dolt."

"I know," smiled Feren. Rumil slapped him on the back.

"Wait," he said. "Where is he?"

"Upstairs in his room."

"But orcs aren't allowed in Lothlorien," exclaimed Rumil.

Feren shrugged.

"I have to report that," said Rumil.

"Well, I certainly won't stand between you and your convictions," said Feren. "But there isn't a hurry, is there?"

Rumil smiled.

"Feren," he said. "As a rule, nobody likes you. But I have to say you are useful at times."

"Lindir likes me," said Feren.

"Cuz he has to."

"That's something. Give him about ten minutes. First, I believe there has been a breach of the no-swimming laws down by the river."

"What?" asked Rumil. "Who?"

"Go and see," said Feren.

Rumil went off, and Feren went up to get Pippin and Merry ready for their recording.


	7. Tigwit's Fund-Raiser: Chapter 3

_Sorry for the brevity of this chapter. I didn't have anything else to say._

_The allusion was The Avengers, a tribute to Coulson. Look for "one good eye."_

* * *

><p><strong>Part Two: Tigwit's Fundraiser<strong>

**Chapter 3**

Galadriel's anger knew no bounds. Once she found out that her special pet Frodo Baggins had broken the no-swimming laws (a fact which he loudly protested) she could not be calmed, not even by Celeborn, and she stormed about like a green algea monster for half an hour.

"You are doomed!" she cried. "You will be fined three hundred pennies!"

"But we haven't got three hundred pennies!" whispered Sam, mortified.

"You will produce them within the fortnight!" cried Galadriel. "Now begone from my sight!"  
>Frodo and Sam slunk out of the room.<p>

"We weren't swimming noways," said Sam, when Feren laid a hand consolingly on his shoulder. "I was just trying to get to the boat."

"You were swimming," said Frodo, "I was falling. It isn't fair."

"Cheer up, my lads," said Feren.

"Don't suppose you have three hundred pennies on you?" asked Sam, hopefully.

"Unfortunately not," said Feren. "But once my record label begins to sell, I am quite confident. . ." he left them alone and went whistling off to find Rumil.

Rumil was sitting outside Orophin's door, holding a pair of handcuffs and listening with interest to rather boisterous conversation going on inside.

"I saw that in your sleeve."

"No, you didn't."

"I did too."

"I don't have sleeves."

"Isn't that a sleeve?"

"That's my skin, you stupid elfling."

"How disgusting."

"Your face is disgusting."

Rumil snickered and winked at Feren. Feren smiled wanly, like an older brother whose soul is tried by his erring protégé but who has determined to see things through to the end.

"It gives me great grief," he said, as a loud thud reported that either Bolg or Orophin had just flown across the room (and it wasn't hard to guess which), "that these things must end so sadly for your brother, Rumil, but, after all, what can we do?"

There were more thuds and thumps, and a few cries of "Ouch!"

Rumil's smile weakened. "Do you think he'll kill him?" he asked, and Feren thought he heard a touch of worry in his tone.

"What is this?" he demanded. "Weakness? When did elves show weakness?"

"Mummy might be upset," said Rumil.

"Might," said Feren, clapping his shoulder, "and on that one word hangs the weight of a thousand philosophy books."

"Let's go in," said Rumil, gesturing to the guards who were hiding behind the curtains.

"Avast my hearties!" cried Feren, loudly, "and follow your reckless leader!" And he dashed through the door, making sure to shut it in Rumil's face before he could come in after him.

There was no need. Bolg, at the warning shout of "Avast my hearties" had leapt through the window and climbed to the room above, where Pippin and Merry were waiting to record. He was out of sight by the time Rumil stumbled through the door, rubbing his nose and looking very annoyed.

Orophin was whimpering on the floor, his pockets turned out.

"I'll get that orc," he muttered. "I'll get –" but he didn't finish, because the sudden sight of handcuffs being clapped around his wrists was too great of a shock.

"Come, brother," said Rumil. "I've got a nice little cell all set up for you. I even got your favorite cookies."

Feren swung out the window and climbed up to the recording studio.

"So," he said to Bolg, who was already busy playing with the controls, a pair of wires between his teeth and some pliers in his hand.

"Mmm-hm," said Bolg.

Feren turned to Pippin and Merry.

"Hit it!"


End file.
